A snippet from our book (Ken & Barby) Real Love and Good Sex on ways we found to rekindle romance when we need to do so despite living with chronic pain conditions. Prior to my relationship with Ken I learned that you don’t have a marriage without sex unless both partners honestly feel happy and satisfied in their relationship without sexual intimacy. Finding a partner to agree to a life with no sexual intimacy is rare. It is true that I don’t feel sexy every minute of every day due to the pain. I learned there are ways to have a sexual relationship that is romantic even through the pain I live with on a daily basis. I realized having a sex life helps me with the pain levels.
If I was to lose my sexual connection with my husband I would work to regain it. I would start by talking with Ken. As any tough discussion I would start the communication process in the living room or in a neutral setting. I found we have the best conversations when ‘I’ is used to describe my feelings. Doing so helps keep stress, pressure and anxiety off him and vice versa. An example is, “I love when you hold me close; it makes me feel cared for”. This is a positive way to state how you are feeling versus a comment like ‘You must not love me because you never hold me close’.
Many times rekindling the romance is successful with proper communication. Maybe your partner is afraid of causing you pain. Keep in mind the things done out of kindness are a way of showing affection. These things can’t be overlooked or taken for granted. Let them know you are still interested and willing to have intimacy. This can put your partner at ease. It is easy to jump to conclusions as to why your partner has stopped touching you. The reason is usually not that they lost interest in sex or in you. It is usually a lack of communication and can be fixed.
Ken and I had to have the conversation, what would make this more enjoyable for you? We had to experiment and try new things and get out of the ‘norm’ of traditional sex positions because it was too painful and not enjoyable for me. I believe that people with chronic pain, and those who love them, don’t need to resign themselves to a lifetime of celibacy. The subject can be approached from several angles, but the main lesson from health professionals and strong couples is communication.
Communicate with your partner and your doctor or psychologist when needed. For us, our primary care doctor brings it up at every appointment. But if your doctor doesn’t bring it up for you, don’t be embarrassed to bring it up to them. They may have some great suggestions for you. They may be able to relate the lack of sexual desire to a complication of a medication you are taking. The provider can also validate that low libido is a common consequence of chronic pain.